Date:- 19th July 2016
Location:- On my bed, fan on highest setting
Temperature:- Currently 33°c
Mood:- Blissfully content
a state of happiness and satisfaction.
“he found contentment in living a simple life in the country”
synonyms: contentedness, content, satisfaction, fulfilment; More
happiness, pleasure, cheerfulness, gladness, gratification;
ease, comfort, restfulness, well-being, peace, equanimity, serenity, tranquillity, placidity, placidness, repletion, complacency;
“he found contentment in living a basic life”
Waking up this morning, I had absolutely no idea where the day would go. A few things were certain..
1) It was my day off.
2) It was my boyfriends day off (I still feel all giddy saying that and its now been 11 months!!).
3) The weather forecast was saying it was due to be the hottest day of the year.
4) I had £2.46 in my wallet.
5) The previous two days had been hard going for several reasons, and added to that last night was so hot, resulting in about three hours of sleep tops. If that.
6)…… I was not letting today go to waste. Life is too short.
I had to get up to send my boy off to school. Three more days left of Year 8, how did that happen? I’m not a stay in bed and let him fend for himself parent. I know, he’s twelve, the boy can make a sandwich, but I’m a mum. It’s kinda my job. The snooze button on the alarm clock got pushed three times, giving me an extra 15 minutes in my bed. To be fair the humidity in my room had kicked in by this point so my bed wasn’t really the best place to be. So up I got, checking the boy was awake and getting ready himself. Got his lunch ready, popped the kettle on, flapped the over excited dogs away (seriously, you’d think they’d not seen us for weeks the way they act in the morning, for the youngest one, it seems it’s Christmas every day) , washed my hair (I had no plans yet for the day, but whatever I was doing, I’d be doing it with clean hair), and with cuppa in hand, wandered back upto bed to wake up properly. The boy went off to school and I started my daily round of texts.
Every single morning since we lost my sister, I text my Mum. Without fail. Just to say “Morning, Love you”. Since losing Jo, it’s become very real that you never know when the last time you’ll see someone will be. It’s important we tell those we love that we do love them, every day. I mean, every single day. It doesn’t matter whether we know it, they know or the world knows it. Just say it. Then I messaged the boyfriend. Whichever one of us is up first, we text the other a good morning message. Have done ever since the first day we met. Reminded him I was off today too and to message if he wanted to do something, nice day and all that. Knowing full well he wouldn’t be awake for a couple more hours (shift work is a bummer, team that with hypothyroidism, and my guy needs his sleep), I lay back on my bed and contemplated, just for a minute or two, going back to sleep. When drama is thrown at you through no fault of your own, it’s hard to paint on that smile and keep going. I really didn’t want to be an adult today. But keep going is what I must do. Keep going is what I want to do.
So, out of bed I got. Put on my face, dried my hair, got dressed and went downstairs. My bedroom is my sanctuary and I could quite easily waste a day in there with my kindle, my music, myself. When it’s grey and miserable outside, that’s often exactly what I do. Today was not going to be one of those days, despite the crap going round in my head from unnecessarily over dramatic problems of the last two days. The very fact I’m not now letting other people’s opinions about me get to me, means I don’t have to dwell on it or waste time on it. Try it, it’s great. Hear it, digest it, deal with it, move on from it. Occasionally, just occasionally, you may need to add “get angry about it” , in there, but always end with “move on”. Don’t give the attention whores what they want. They want you to waste your life replaying their every word over and over in your head. Don’t.
Anyway, two hours after leaving my bed, ready to take on the world, the little white light on my phone began to glow, gently alerting me to a text. “In hairdressers under bridge. Wanna meet me? X” I’d just sat down to watch the season finale of America’s Next Top Model, but joining the boyfriend was a far more worthy offer. I was ready to go so after ushering the crazy dogs into their beds, I grabbed my bag and headed out. I did wonder if maybe he’d be finished before I got there, and at the top of my street I was proved correct as the beep of a car horn tunefully announced his arrival across the road. Still no plan for the day, but I was with my Mr Amazing, what more could I want? A quick pit stop back at his to sort his washing out, throw some stuff out and grab the newly acquired picnic rug and a bottle opener, off we went again. Shop for drinks, fish and chip shop for lunch, back in the car and out to a field. A secluded field. Fun and games unfolding the picnic rug in the gentle breeze, and we finally settled down to eat chips and drink cider. It was quiet. It was peaceful. It cost very little. (Well it cost me nothing, perfect gentleman as always, but then £2.46 was never going to get me very far). It was the most perfect meal, in the most perfect setting, with the most perfect person that I could of ever wished for. I felt happy. Really happy. I was content. My other half is from London. It’s fair to say he’s created his very own version of cockney rhyming slang. He loves words. He loves using different words to describe mundane things. He’s been known to make up words but make them sound so real you doubt yourself whether it’s a real word or not. Today he used those words to describe the sparkle of my blue eyes. Yes, this is the guy who, several months ago, still was uncomfortable with me holding his hand in his own home. He’s changed. No, I stand corrected. He’s grown comfortable. He’s learnt he can trust. He is certain, beyond reasonable doubt, that I am not going anywhere. And it’s a wonderful feeling. He wasn’t used to having someone care about him. It’s been a while since someone genuinely wanted to see me and spend time with me. Since someone tried as hard as they could to ensure I spent the whole time smiling.
You know, in 11 months we have not had one cross word. Not one. A couple of misunderstood texts, but never ever a face to face fall out. I simply can not imagine him doing anything to make me angry with him. And even if he did, he’d be so mortified, he’d do what he could to rectify it there and then. To be fair, a few of his well chosen words would probably be enough. He wants to see me happy. He knows he’s capable of doing it. His work and his condition often leave him feeling tired and without any get up and go. He doesn’t ever cancel on me. Never. I would understand if he did. In the early days, I could tell he was worried I wouldn’t put up with going to his to watch a movie if he really had no energy to do anything else. He’d look at me halfway through a film, with a look that said I’m sorry I’m tired. I’d smile and put the cushion on my lap for him to lay down on me. I have a friend who has the same condition, and although she’s told me a bit about how it affects her, she’s not local so I don’t see it for myself. So I admit I had to Google it to really understand, but I’m so glad I did because I really underestimated how much it must affect him. It makes me even more grateful for the time he makes for me, knowing that sometimes all he wants to do is sit. Or sleep. He really is amazing.
So after finishing our food, we lay back on the picnic rug, my iPod quietly on shuffle in the background. We had nowhere to go and nothing to do, and it was perfect. With cider finished, we headed back to the shop to pick up another cold drink (I knew my £2.46 would be useful for something), and just walked. A nice slow amble to nowhere in particular. Talking, laughing, rhyming, kissing. The troubles of the previous two days felt like a distant memory. They hadn’t gone away. They would still need to be addressed at some point, but it’s funny how filling your time and spending your time with people who want to see you happy can make those problems seem so much more manageable. Approach these things with a clear, happy and content mind and you really can take on anything.
Today was proof that whatever you are going through, does not define you. Sometimes doing nothing, on your own will open up a world of stress, despair and over-thinking. Yet doing nothing, having no plan, with exactly the right person is the best thing you can do.
Heading back to the car, he turned to me and said, ” are you coming to mine to watch a movie tomorrow night?”. Wednesday nights are our usual movie night. It’s usually assumed that that’s when we see each other. Days off together like today are rare.
“Of course, if you want me” I replied.
He answered with a smile.