Archive | January 2019

WANTED:- Truth Tellers.

FAKES AND LIARS NEED NOT APPLY.

 

Sometimes, you have to lose everything to realise what you had. Starting from scratch to rebuild a new version of what you had changes you as a person, because essentially, you don’t want a repeat performance where you lose it all again. When you’re a paranoid, over thinking person like me, you will most likely take it too far. I think I’m now too much. Maybe. Perhaps. Because I’m scared and because I need to prove myself as a friend.

I used to have a big, healthy, friendship circle.

The circle broke. Taking with it my security blanket, my safety net, the easy option. My ability to over look shit. My tolerance over untruths.

I was always taught not to give to receive. However, after making mistakes in the past myself, I do believe you should get back what you put in, and I now apply this rule to friendships.

My closest friends these days get my heart, my soul, my mind, my worry. I have been open and honest through choice the last year and by doing so, I feel I’ve lost people along the way. Perhaps people think I’m judging. Perhaps they think I’m trying to take the high ground, claiming to be holier than thou. The truth is, and the chances are, that I care and worry because I’ve been there, done that. I’ve confessed before, I’m no angel.

My paranoia, teamed with losing friends before, makes me question everything. It’s not your fault, it’s mine. I do need you to acknowledge that it is there though.

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Apart from the obvious, many events have made me who I am today, and made me the full on, perhaps “too much” friend that I now am.

While married, as a couple, we had a lot of “couple” friends. We did everything together. Nights out. Holidays. God parents to each other’s kids. It was the closest friendship group I’d ever had in my life and it was amazing. I didn’t need new friends. When we split, those friends were adamant they weren’t going to pick sides. It felt inevitable that the guys would still go out and so would the girls. My ex however decided himself that everyone was on my side and appeared to back away from the lot of them. In reality, I felt that those friends didn’t choose sides, because they actually chose neither of us. We both lost them. Without the “me and him” set up, I was nothing on my own. I didn’t offer anything to the friendship group as a single person.
The ex moved out of our home city so effectively took himself out of the equation. He was the one that drove so we’d be able to visit these friends on birthdays, Christmas, New Year etc. I was stranded. And I felt useless to them.

I don’t drive. I work full time. I’m at my place of work around 9 1/2 hours a day in total. Add on the traveling time and I’m out of my house 10 1/2 hours, 5 days a week for work. Out of the 16 hours a day I’m awake, the majority of that is work related. Most of the old gang don’t work weekends. I work every Saturday. By the time I’ve got home, sorted the dogs, eaten etc, I literally don’t have the energy to go back out. On that note, only one of those couples live within a reasonable walking distance. I certainly don’t have the money for taxis. They all drive. A few times I suggested coffee in town, they’ve said they’ll let me know and never have. I haven’t fallen out with them. I guess we all stopped trying.

I think perhaps I over compensate now. Perhaps I try too hard to be a good friend. To prove that I, on my own, can offer someone enough for them to want to value me as a friend. I get too involved, for fear of losing people all over again. Back then, there was also the knowledge that my ex was posting some not true, often nasty stuff, about me online, open for our mutual friends to see. My paranoia led me to think they’d all believed it, as not one asked me directly what was going on. I stayed quiet about the break up so they only had one version of events on show to believe. Although I never lied about the break up, by staying quiet I now feel by not just telling my story from the get go, I lost everyone. I don’t blame anyone for those old friendships dying out. I’m as much to blame as them for not keeping in touch.

I haven’t changed since my marriage broke up. I am though, more real and genuine than I was for the almost 18 years that he stifled me. I had disappeared under his shadow, swept aside for his ego and bravado to take the spot light. Being polite, and quiet meant I got forgotten. Since spreading my wings and speaking my mind, I reckon people don’t know how to handle me anymore. Or maybe they’d seen me supposedly fall for a whole load of lies they felt sorry for me. If that’s the case, they needn’t of worried. I’d long known the truth, I just couldn’t prove it at first. Losing those friends, I felt I was having to start all over again with building a new friendship circle. Rekindling old friendships and indeed forging new ones entirely.

Now, since losing that tight knit of friends I used to have, if I have concerns about the people I care about, I can be like a dog with a bone. I doubt peoples motives if I think they aren’t telling me the truth. I also struggle to work out who is in this friendship for the long haul, or who just wants to stick around for a while, for the good stuff, before normal and boring sets in and they’ll flit off to the next shiny new person. If I have doubts- I won’t give up till I’ve proven myself. Guess my concerned nature comes across as interfering? Perhaps I actually do try too hard. That’s because I don’t want to lose you. I make myself too available, 24/7. Just to prove I’m there. To prove to myself, as well as my friends, that I have something to offer.

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I spoke in a previous blog about my five closest friends, and how I wouldn’t let go of them without a fight. Hindsight says I’m a little naive about that. I whole heartedly admit this- if I feel I’m putting in more effort to keep a friendship alive than the other person now, I freak out, I worry they are no longer there for me. I know this has caused friction and potentially pushed two of those five away a bit. So, I take some of the blame. However, they know me. They know my paranoia and my insecurities. They should realise how I am and understand where I’m coming from. I like to be checked in on. I like to be asked how I am, as much as I ask you. If caring too much is a bad friendship trait then yes, I’m guilty.

Although not heavily into star signs and things, a common trait in people who are of the Taurus sign is stubbornness. Being stubborn. Yes, I’m stubborn. If I feel I’m the only one making an effort, I will dig my heels in and refuse to make the next contact. I don’t need fickle, “good time” friends. I want honest, trustworthy, reliable friends.
However, it’s not long until another trait kicks in. Loyalty. Eventually I back down and ask “How are you”? for fear of losing that friendship altogether. Then I get angry with myself for giving in, as I haven’t proved or discovered if that person would’ve ever checked in with me. I create my own vicious circles. Totally and utterly guilty of setting traps to see if the right people bite in the way I hope they would. I never saw myself as needy. I’m very very happy in my own company, with my son and my relationship with my partner, but I still have an underlying worry that no one likes me. I’ve probably always been the quiet friend, the “nice” friend, the inoffensive friend, the sensible friend. Losing a big group of close friends in one go, made me the over concerned friend, the over emotional friend and the honest, straight talking friend. I’m starting to find that not everyone wants to hear the truth. They want to moan, vent, grumble about stuff they are going through, but most people wanna hear whatever agrees with the way they are thinking or acting, rather than the truth. They expect you to support them even when you think they are making a mistake, and still be there when it all goes terribly wrong. In my desperation to be a good friend I’ve recently taken an honesty is the best policy stance on my friends issues and discovered one of two things. They either choose to lie to me about what actions they are going to take, or dump me for a less serious offer of “sod it lets go get drunk and ignore the problem”. .
My good nature gets taken advantage of. Again. Time and time again. People think it’s ok to fool me into believing an untrue version of events, because I’m trying to be such a good friend that they actually think they can get away with it.

Do I have “take me for a mug” tattooed across my forehead? Or rather “take me for a mug, go on, try it, I dare you”. The most difficult part of being a paranoid, intuitive weirdo is that the majority of the time, my intuition is right. So, you think you’re fooling me, taking me for that mug, when in reality, I know the truth already. It’s almost impossible to pull the wool over my eyes. If you are lying to me to try and hide something from me, the chances are, I know. I’ve said before that the stuff on my mind turns to worry, out of concern, and I go over and over something playing out every single scenario until I stumble upon the only only one that makes sense. Then I manage to prove it. I wish I could let go, but because I care, for some unknown reason, about those very people that lie to me, I can’t. I understand why they lie. They know the truth will hurt or upset me. What they don’t realise is that not trusting me to deal with the truth actually hurts me a lot more. I offer my support, my friendship yet still people think I’d push them away if they were completely honest with me.
I get involved because I care.
I tell the truth because I care, because I’ve found out first hand that every single lie will eventually be revealed.
Staying quiet loses friends.
So, it seems, does speaking the truth.
If I’m too much, then here’s the deal.
It’ll be your loss.
Be truthful with me and I’ll have your back, and you’ll have the most fiercely loyal friend and as much time as you need to talk and sort things out.
Lie to me and watch me back off.

From this moment:-

I won’t apologise for being opinionated.
I won’t apologise for wanting, once in a while, for you to ask me how I am.
I won’t apologise for caring and worrying about you.
I won’t be easily contactable on social media after 7.30pm unless it’s an emergency.
I’m bloody happy with my life now and I’m having to accept that I can’t lose sleep over, or spend time worrying about, those who will carry on regardless no matter what I say.
So forgive me, now, for deciding to cut the emotional ties that make me hang onto those people who take advantage of me, and I’ll take back my own life.
Let’s face it, you all know there’s enough going on in my head without having to worry about those that don’t deserve it.